What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:05
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Where did Noah build the Ark? Was it in a desert or near water?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
One cannot live in the past .
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I think the readers, may guess!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
How do you get a teenage boy to care about hygiene?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why won't my mom let me come home if I'm homeless?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do people still think Michael Jackson was guilty?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What are some downsides to living in Newfoundland and Labrador (besides the weather)?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Would this be the day?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We all went to grammer schools
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Comes on , in middle age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Put me off passion for life!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
It was going to be , some day.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Ive learnt so much.
And i lived it daily.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .